Saturday, 11am. Central Market.

It was one of those quiet, sunny Saturdays. My sole purpose of visiting Central Market was to get t-shirts printed for Earth Hour later that evening. Needless to say, it was freaking expensive. But hey, the final product was pretty awesome.

So as usual, Susilan anne was my date for the morning. You know, I really think the girl who he marries will be the luckiest girl on earth! And I'm not just saying this because he's my brother. I'm dead serious about this. Okay, so back to the story.

We headed for breakfast to Old Town Kopitiam within Central Market. On the menu for the morning : White Coffee, Hazelnut White Coffee, Double Butter and Kaya Toast, Blueberry French Toast.

The setting was just perfect, the ambience and the view (ahem) both fit right into place and we had a good time, eating, talking and discussing certain brother-sister issues which I shall not bother elaborating here.

As we were chatting, we suddenly noticed this woman, who was dressed in casual shorts and a t-shirt, sandals, walking up and down the aisle from where we were seated. She did come a bit too close for comfort at times, and continuously spoke to herself (in Haanu's words, random monologues at unforseen times). I think I heard her say blueberry twice.

Although we noticed her, we tried not to bother too much, until we realised that she may be hungry. Our conversation turned to the homeless, the children that sold things after working hours in Bangsar, the beggar lady that used to be at Jaya Jusco when I was younger, and the street people I see in Masjid Jamek, Pasar Seni and Kota Raya.

The both of us decided to offer her some bread. If she is really hungry, what harm is there in sharing something that we know we can afford to part with? So this was the conversation .

Me: Excuse me, would you like to have some bread ?
Lady: No thank you.
Anne : a silent smile was all that anne gave.*

Then I realised, she was too afraid/proud?/ashamed to take the bread which I had offered. Maybe she had been able to afford these once, or maybe she just had some pride which might be broken should she chose to accept what I had just offered. Or, maybe she was just disturbed psychologically, and needed help.

Whatever the case, I knew she was hungry. I purposely left a slice of bread on the table, and loudly said that I couldn't eat anymore. When we got up to pay the bill, I saw from the corner of my eye that she swiftly walked up to the table, and grabbed that slice of bread I left behind.

I just smiled, and told anne what had happened.

Sometimes we forget, that they are people too. Some may have been in that situation too long to even think about pride/status and other things, but there may be some who have just been forced to live the way they do. Just like all of us, everything takes time to get used to. Maybe she wasn't sure of how to ask for bread, or even, simply try to take the bread. What if she hadn't eaten in days?What if, she had to steal from other places for food, just because begging wasn't an option she wanted to chose?

I suppose in that split moment, I understood what she wanted without really having to ask. I would've gladly bought her a full meal, if I could do it without bruising her ego. Nevertheless, I hope that one slice of bread has helped her to live, if not another day, then at least a couple of hours more.

God bless the souls of those who are in need of help, shelter, food, and love. Always.

Lessons that should be learnt, are not being learnt. Therefore, episodes repeat, mistakes are made. Is it possible to get immune to feelings after repetition occurs many times?Science requires repetitions to be made in any given experiment/trial so as to produce reliable end results. Life is like a science experiment. It can be safely said that in reality, to reproduce the exact same situation under the same conditions is close to impossible, unless precise calculations and other factors are taken into consideration. However, reproducing itself shows unreality. Accuracy and precision are two different things.

Concluding the issue - not concluded. In fact, its rather impossible to find one true solid conclusion. So ..an experiment without a conclusion? Possible failure? Something to think about.

Whenever it used to rain, it would flood in Apapa's house. Water would come right up to the main doors of the house. We'd sit by the stairs, Ashi, Apapa and I, and make little paper boats out of old newspapers. There would be a big giant one, then smaller ones, and tinier ones that follow. Slowly, we'd let each one of them go, and watch as they sail away, slowly, out the front gate, and out to the road, and finally out of sight.

At 5pm, Apapa would come home from work. He'd ride his bicycle in to the compound, pick us up and place us in the little rattan rack in front of the cycle. Then we'd go for a ride around the block. Ashi and I had to take turns usually.

The fridge was always stocked up with chocolates, sweets, milk, anything we wanted. But we were only allowed to touch them at a certain time of the day - tea time.

Lunch was usually made by Apachi. She'd feed us little round balls of rice, and tell us stories about animals and birds. Dinner, is usually Apapa's speciality. This time, he'd sit and feed us, while watching television. Football, usually.

There are so many childhood memories that are imprinted in the Taman Melawis home in Klang, where we were born, and where we would rush to every holiday.How the times have changed..even Klang has changed.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's. My grandfather, liver cancer. Its so difficult to see them the way they are now..I suppose age does catch up with you, eventually. My only hope is to see them happy in this last stage of their lives, and pray that I will be able to do everything in my ability to make sure that they are comfortable, and happy.

I waited, among thousands of others. This was it, this was the day that I had been waiting for since I was born. I had been nourished, fed and cared for with so much of patience, and love, all for this one day.

From where I was placed, I could see, acres and acres of vast greenery. This land, it was special...it wasn't like any other. To survive here, you had to be the toughest of the toughest, the cream of the crop. The conditions, the harsh environment, the community that lived here..it was a tough world. If you don't compete, you don't survive.They call it the peatlands.

Around me were my friends, family, those that had been with me since I was first brought into this world. And there were others...those who care as much as we do - who cared about our world, our home. I was told that they would be the ones giving us hope, helping us to serve others the best we could.

Suddenly, I was lifted up, and taken away. From where I was now, I could see a narrow path that was slightly cleared. There, I saw my new home. I could see my friends and some family around me..my new neighbours. I was gently placed into my home, and the feeling of love and care flowed from each person into the soil, into my roots, and up my tiny body, spilling out into my stems and leaves. It was soothing, calming and full of divine energy.

There was a reason, I think, that God made us without a voice. We do not speak, but at times, if others chose to listen carefully, they can hear us whispering in the wind. Our entire life purpose is to provide and to serve man selflessly. You could say that our whole lives are entirely sacrificial.We provide the basis to life, the basis for shelter. Like silent listeners, and watchers most of the time, we stand by, growing tall and strong, watching and remaining as we are, despite the drastic changes the world goes through.

She's dying, our Mother. The stress and pain that people have put her through...it has reached the limit. One more push, and she will break, both in spirit and body. It breaks our hearts to see her suffer, but what more can we do than what we already have?

They have come to their senses, finally. They have finally rised to the call to save Her. Slowly, but surely, tiny steps like these can help to restore Her to the fullest potential. Maybe, there is some hope for the future generation now.

If only, each and everyone of them could see Her as She was, in all Her glory and majesty when it all begin..they would learn to love and cherish Her, as they do with their loved ones now. For without Her, they too, will cease to exist...forever.

So nobody, at least not many people, read this page of my life.

So..I figure its not a problem for me to talk about my life. Not that I'm not capable of writing on issues that are more important, like saving the earth. Which is something that I'm trying to do a lot of for now.

But you see...underneath it all, I'm just me. Human, with my own set of issues, my own difficulties, my own learnings, and of course, that annoying own heartbreaks. Sometimes, I wish I would stop getting myself into messes that only result in me feeling worse off than before.

I absolutely refuse to allow myself to drown in this annoying mess of feelings. Unnecessary.

No, this post is not meant to be intellectual. Yes, its just my feelings. I like writing them down here. And no, I don't care if the world thinks I'm lost, confused, or whatever. Because I bloody well know I'm not, and letting out my frustrations is a lot healthier than keeping them locked up inside.

If you just realized what I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other now.

It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

So this is my sister, Ashwini. And that's my dad..this however, is not about Papa, its about Ashi.

You little brat,
I miss you! This isn't going to be some mushy mushy muddle of emo-fied feelings, just a straight and honest reply to your very sweet and simple dedication.

Living alone is hard, I must admit. I had to endure that for a year, and believe me, I know how it feels. The best thing to do is to hold on to the family you have there, and remember that all of us here are just a phone call away for you. You're doing great, I'm so proud of you for holding up the way you are, despite everything that's been going on there.

It isn't easy here as well. There is a fair share of issues that need to be settled back here to, and well, we're holding up alright. Just remember that it won't be for long, and soon things will be alright again.

Love you loads, brat. I can't wait for you to come back. We have lots to talk about! Hang in there okay??

Lotsa hugs from akka :)

Emotions being felt :
frustration
immense sadness
anger at thyself
stupidity

why does it always have to be this way.

Today I'm sad. I close my eyes, and I try to let myself feel whatever emotions that seem to be locked up inside me. Is that where it come from, the heart?

And there's this burst of sadness. It flows so constantly, without stopping. It has within, pain, a sad smile, and a deep, sinking, feeling which hurts so much.

Is love supposed to hurt? Was it not enough to just love? Is there always a right and wrong answer for everything?

And how do you fall out of love? Is that even possible?

Tears, I realised today, is the language of your heart. That's the way it speaks what it feels, and what it wants to say.It speaks in those tiny droplets of water, that fall from within so gently, so calmly, so slowly..It allows the heart to express all it feels, with silence..its the one way the heart knows how to speak. Through silence.

If you listen carefully enough...you may be able to hear its every word.

Dear God,
This is a letter, which contains all the things I have wanted to write to you in some time.

Life has been pretty rocky the past few weeks. I suppose you have your reasons for why things happen the way they do. And I'm not going to ask, why.One question that is playing on my mind is what I need to learn from all this.

From deciding to resign, going for my masters, and opening my heart up to someone without even thinking about what he might say, the decisions I have made have surprised even me. Despite the fact that some may think that they were rash, irrational and hurried, I know I thought them over and weighed each thought carefully before actually deciding on anything.

I know I did the right thing.

He said no. I don't think I expected a yes, nor did I expect a no. In fact, i don't think I was actually expecting anything. Then why is it that there is this sadness in my heart? Did I subconsciously expect him to say yes? Yes, I'm feeling sad. I know that its best this way, that the decision he made is the best for me. I suppose...sometimes everything that happens is a teacher. What did I learn from this experience?

I learned how to listen to my heart, and to have faith in myself. I learnt that courage is something that lies deep within me, despite the fact that I feel it fails me most of the time. I spoke, from my heart, and it was the best feeling in the world. To be completely honest, to speak with no intentions, and only to show someone the depths of my heart..was something that was not easy to do. And I did that.

It doesn't matter what the outcome is now. The point is, I made something happen for myself. And this sadness, this feeling of crying without actually crying..it will go away. I shouldn't keep thinking about what could have been, when really, it was never meant to be. So...I'll stop right here.

I have Haanu.and Kams. and my darling sister.

Resigning, not knowing what the future holds, the uncertainty that looms ahead of me is daunting. Some people may think, this was the stupidest decision to make, at this point of time. But you know, its the best decision I've made.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the courage to pursue my dreams. Thank you for letting me find the strength to take that first step towards a whole new world of possibilities that you have opened up for me.

Its not going to be easy, I know. The journey towards my destiny has begun, and its rather rocky at the moment. Maybe, you're giving me one blow after another, just to see if I can withstand the rest which is yet to come.

I'm sure, I will be still standing.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its not to give up.

Hold my hand, and walk with me, please. Don't ever let go, because I cannot and I refuse to get lost. When it looks like I'm about to stray, please, hold me close to you, and keep me on the right path. When it looks like I might give up, please remind me of the courage and strength that I have within me. When I fail to realise that you are here, remind me...wipe away the tears, my dearest Lord.

Because you are the best friend I have.

When you're with me, I know, I can achieve the impossible.

Love always,
Your child.

The four of us, crammed in one auto.

The giant Sivaji poster!! Finally. On Mount Road.

Sheela ka cornered by the natural waters :)

When we stopped by the Sunflower patch on the way to Chennai from Parthi :)

Renganathan Street

India 2007.

The year life changed 360 degrees.

The year I finally got the chance to be at Puttaparthi.

And also the year I spent one unforgettable day in Chennai!

After the World Youth Conference in Parthi, my cousins and I decided to take a car down to Chennai so we could have a day to do some sight seeing and of course, shopping!

I remember leaving Parthi at around 3pm.

We had one driver who was sort of so mesmerised by Sheela akka, and kept calling her Shilpa Madam for some odd reason. But we used that to our advantage, got us nice hot coffee and good food..and we got to Chennai a good two hours earlier.

So our day in Chennai begin at the hotel, we stayed at the Residency on T.Nagar. Nice place.

We met up with Satya anne's parents, who took us to Saravana Stores on Renganathan Street by auto! It was one heck of a ride. I enjoyed every moment of it!

Then we had to get down at Renganathan's..we were greeted by a street that was flooded, full of people walking in the flooded waters, making a sort of a muddy-runny-flood water mess. It looked like poop from far. :S

Sheela akka refused to walk in it..I remember Kamini, akka and me trying to find our ways around the water, climbing to higher grounds and all..and Sheela ka nearly died from the smell and the mess!

Then we are told by a passer by, "No Madam, this is not dirty water madam, its all natural waters!"

Hehe.

Natural Waters indeed.

Of course, Roshini ka just waded right through. She fit right in!

We got to the entrance of Saravana Stores, much to our relief, and begged the assistants to lead us to the washrooms so we could clean ur feet.

After establishing the fact that we were foreigners, we were given our own personal store guide (yes, just like in the movies!), who was so patient and kind with us, trying to upsell at every point...But I have to say, that place was quite a bargain. We ended up buying SO many things, for SO little.

The best part was when we got thirsty..and Sheela ka asked the guide, " Do you have some juice?"

He said, " Oh yes madam of course, right this way."

We were lead to the elevators, taken to the top floor - and wallah, it opens up to a cafetaria!!

"Here, you can find all kinds of juice madam."

Then Sheela ka turns around to us and goes," Owh, I thought we would get the juice given to us, like in the movies!"

After all that shopping, we needed a toilet break. Well, it was me and Kams that needed the toilet break. And after that rain, and the amount of people who were in the store, the toilets were really not any place you would want to go to.

I was prepared to hop on an auto and head back to the hotel to relieve myself, when the guide tells me," Oh Madam, don't worry, we have very clean toilets here."

Repeating himself over and over again, he takes us down Renganathan Street (now so famous after that scene in Santosh Subramaniam) to Saravana Mess. The open air food court. THAT was where the clean toilets allegedly were.

I felt this sinking feeling in me as I was led to the toilets. In fact, I could smell them even before I got there! This was FEAR FACTOR for me, really.

After protesting, and saying that I'm just going to take an auto back to the hotel, Roshini akka looked at the both of us and said," listen, just go, and just do it. Face that fear of dirty toilets!"

It was the mother of all dirty toilets.

All I did was cover my nose, close my eyes and say Sai Ram.I'm not even going to try and describe the scene to you.

Well, so much for Renganathan Street. After Sheela ka insisted, we headed to the famous Spencer Plaza! It reminded me alot of Sungei Wang Plaza for some reason. I remember buying a Telugu version of Sivaji the Boss there. And of course, who could forget the Subway Sandwiches we had, and fell sick afterwards.

That was puzzling. We had paani puris by the roadside, and were fine. But Subway Sandwiches made us sick.

Towards the end of the day, as the sun was setting, I was still desperately looking around for the most famous billboard signs - The GIANT SIVAJI POSTER!!! And I found it, at last. It completed the day we had in Chennai, Madrasi Style.

Despite the randomness, I must admit, I loved every bit of Chennai. ;)

And the coffee? Simply, first class, machi!!! :)