Re-post from Manju akka's blog. I read this, and cried. I'm not sure why, but tears still flow, despite having accepted Yoges akka's death, and looking past the past.

Manju akka's blog..
Last nite I was at my BIL's place to do my routine duty - shower the lil one and change her to her pyjama. While at it this was her conversation with me:

Pinku: Chinnama, yesterday my mother from heaven told me I shouldn't eat ice cream.

Me: Oh really - amma told you that - i guess she doesn't want you to catch a cold.

Pinku: Yeah she was crying......

Me: You tell amma don't cry next time - cause you got loved ones around to care for you. Achie to cook and sleep with you, anna's, shaveena and vishal to play with you, chinnamma to joke and wash u up, mami to teach you and papa, chitappa and mama to take you out....she need not cry anymore.

Pinku: I tried to tell her all that, but she kept crying n crying. She won't stop.My mother is missing me and I miss her too.

I slept last nite with a tear. I can imagine the anguish SIL would be in to have lost her lil girl and she her mother. It was too painful to even think about.If she is really is in tears in heaven - Oh God I hope you stop it. It ain't fair you know - just not fair...please stop it.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Pinku, my niece Priyankka. She turned three two weeks after the landslide, and after akka passed away.

It seems like yesterday all this happened, seems like a dream. Anne and the kids have moved into a new place, slowly picking up from where they left off.

There were occasions during the length of prayers that Priyankka said some things about akka talking to her. Wether the soul remains in the home after death, I don't know..but I know she was talking to this little girl.

When you see the innocence of the children, and then the strength that they have to endure all that they have been through..I can only imagine the pain, the grief. Yet, thinking about it will only cause the wound to deepen..I would like to let the sunshine creep into their homes now.

Priyankka smiles, and runs towards me everytime I see her, and I sweep her up in my arms into a big hug. I want to see this smile on her face always.

Avinesh and Thivesh behave like your average kids, but sometimes, I can't help but notice a certain emptiness in their expressions. I suppose talking about it is not something they want to do..especially Thivesh. He's really quite the reserved type.

Their courage is my motivation, and the fuel for my determination to be here for them, always. They are my nephews, and my niece, and I love them so much..I will do everything I can to see that they receive that abundance of Love, just as akka would have wanted.

Life changes, sometimes so drastically that you are suddenly put in a situation to make decisions. When you are torn between practicality and chasing a dream, which would be the better choice? What would you do?

My story.

After graduation, it was not easy looking for a job. Everywhere I applied to came back negative, and nothing seemed to be moving. I was getting desperate to find a job, because the financial conditions at home required me to start earning. I had my mind set on working for organisations that dealt with the environment, and conservation. It has been a life long dream to do something like this, and the little tastes of working with animals and the environment while I was in university just fueled this passion further.

Unfortunately, the job vacancies either require Masters degree, or a sufficient amount of working experience in a related field. Both of which I don't have.

Just as things seemed to be getting bleak, Uncle Kiri offered me an opportunity with the company where he sits as Senior Manager. This company deals with marketing, logistics and manufacturing. Its a multinational company, and brands that they work with are big names.

The job he offered me was that of a Product Specialist, dealing with critical care patient monitors. Not as glamourous as the name sounds - its sales. Besides knowing everything and anything about monitors, conducting demos and training sessions, writing proposals, budgets and working on tenders, etc. you have to cut the sales.

Me?Sales?

As this was the first job that came along looking positive, I told myself to give it a shot. I mean, I never knew then if I actually liked sales or not. How will I know if I don't even try?

So I did..I accepted the job.

And for the past four months, I have been nothing but unhappy, stressed and constantly thinking why I agreed to this in the first place. I know I have the ability to speak, present and deal with people rather efficiently. I know that if required to speak in front of a crowd, I will do it without having second thoughts. I'm confident that I am able to do things like this.

But everything you do requires a drive, a passion - something I tried to find in this job, and just couldn't find.

And then you have sleazy customers who ask you to visit their holiday apartments when they are in KL. How would you deal with that?

I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do with my life. Do I see myself working in sales, selling patient monitors in the next five years? Definitely not.

I see myself with a Masters degree, working for the WWF or the UN, or an organisation that works with the things I am passionate about - the environment and conservation.

So...I made the decision to resign.

And I did.

I asked Swami, before doing this..what should I do. And Swami said listen to your heart.

My heart tells me to chase the dreams I have, and not give up or compromise them. I know I have it in me to do this.

What others may think .. I don't know. But I wasn't made to be that way. About the money, I will find ways to generate some income. There's always tuition, and part time jobs while I'm doing my Masters. There's also an opportunity for internships with these companies, which may progress to a permanent job.

Whatever the future holds, I know that this was something I had to do for myself. Rather than to surpress my dreams and work just because I have to, I chose to dream. And I'm not forgetting about the responsibility I have towards the family. I will do all it takes to still give the same amount back to the house.

I thank God my parents have been so supportive of this decision. It was a lengthy discussion, wieghing the pros and cons. In the end of it all, they told me, if this is really what I need to do, then I should chase it.

Someone told me that the heart speaks the language of God.
I'm listening to that language..and I will keep listening.

A new chapter, a new beginning. I step forward, with the faith and confidence that Swami will hold my hand and guide me through it, slowly, but surely.

Well, I did it. I told him, exactly how I'm feeling.

When it first started out, I suppose it would have as this little crush. Or infactuation. But over time..it started to become completely crystal clear, that this was really something I wanted. That this man was really the one I would want to be with.

How my thoughts turned to marriage, parents, the 6 years difference, lifestyles, etc..and how so miraculously he spoke of the same things when I told him, I couldn't explain. When I heard him speak about the very same things I had so carefully considered before deciding to tell him, I knew somehow, that I had finally met my match.

The conversation was so practical, so mature, I can't tell you what I was feeling. In fact, I wasn't upset that he didn't give an answer, and instead, told me that he will have to think about it as well. And that regardless of the outcome, we would still be friends...I could understand that. Completely.

Its funny how I'm still smiling.

My long conversations with Swami told me that I must do this..and I did. Before leaving the house, I asked Swami what He wanted to say to me..and He said, " Be Self Confident".

When I got back, I spoke to Him again, and said, Swami I've done what I had to do, and I feel wonderful regardless of the outcome. What do you think? And Swami said, " Your wish will come true. I will grant you your wish."

:)

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

-Kahlil Gibran

okay, this is it.

I'm going to say everything that I wanted to, today..and we'll see what happens after that.

So...I suppose, if it was meant to be, then it was..and if it wasn't...

Sunny skies await, baby.
After all, the world didn't die on me :)

Keeping the fingers crossed.

its true.

all of it is true.

how a song that was never interesting suddenly sounds like the most beautiful song that I have ever heard.

how suddenly I'm smiling all the time, and little things remind me of ..things.

if only I could sum up that courage to say something.

if only I could just leave it to time to decide.

if only I could open up my heart, for once, take that risk and let it all go.

if only you could just understand, and not have me have to explain it all to you. Its hard.

you make me smile. yes, all of those things are true. as much as I made fun of other people..i'm feeling it too.

the joy, that silent smile, that heartbeat..

the shyness?

why?

sometimes, things cannot be explained. I never saw this coming. I never realised, but I think I have known unconsciously all along. Am I making sense?

take my hand in yours, just for a while. See if it fits..I think it will.

I suppose..if it is meant to be, then it will be.

:)

Yes, it was a weekend to remember. Although the whole hype about Valentine's first made me feel rather sad and..somewhat lonely (it gets to you, you know, given that this would be the first Valentine's spent single). So I remember walking around in MidValley last weekend with Susi anne and Mani, and just wondering, what it would be like if there was indeed that someone special.


Of course realising that the special person actually did not exist in my life (officially), naturally it made me feel a little off. So I was really happy when I got a text message from Haanu asking about our plans for Valentine's!


We had a great weekend. It started off at Mojo's at Heritage on Friday night with the girls (Haanu, Pearly, Suleka, and Kamini). We got bored sitting at Heritage, and made a random decision (thanks Kams for insisting) to move to Mumbai Se instead. And did we have fun or what!
The music was amazing, we had so much fun dancing for hours :)


The next morning, Haanu and I decided to find an art gallery, and spend some time doing something we had been planning for months - simply look at art. We ended up in Central Market, and we did so many things, it was amazing we had the time in hand. Our curiousity and impulsive nature that day made us go to a fish spa (RM5 for 10 minutes). Not such a good idea, but it was a good experience - the size of the fishes were HUGE I thought they were mutants or something. Piranhas!


Then we found a damn cool T-shirt for Susi anne..which said something like "So Many Girls! No Time LAH!".


We also took some time to look at some really nice pieces of art. One day, when I have the money, I'll go back to buy them. After a cup of coffee at the kopitiam, we headed off to Brickfields to pick up Kiren and head to Kolej Bandar Utama for Dr. Micheal Goldstein's talk. He's the President of the Prashanti Council, Puttaparthi.


Somehow felt like I had an appointment with Swami, and the message this time round was so timely, I must say it was just meant to be, attending this talk.One of the most important messages that I remember was this :
That the mind is the key, and the heart is the lock. If we turn the key outwards, then all we will see is chaos and disturbances. If we turn the key inwards, we will experience that peace and serenity, despite what happens on the outside.


I also got a really beautiful picture of Swami that Sai G anne got for us all from Parthi..it was like a perfect Valentine's gift from Baba.


After sending Kiren home, Haanu and I took a wrong turn (which I think was pre-planned by the Big Boss), and then right in front of Times Square, my car engine did a little mini explosion. Smoke was just oozing out of the sides, and I stopped the car, got out, and just said "Swami..".


Immediately, out of nowhere two Malay boys came up, asked us what was wrong and took a look at the engine. They told us that the radiator pipe was probably blown, and that the fan might not be working as well. They asked me to try starting the car, and then told me to drive to a safer spot and call for help. Which is exactly what I did.


In that five minutes I was driving from Times Square to the Shell Station, all I could think of was Swami, and I was practically begging Him to hold the engine just till I stop at Shell. And you know what....that was EXACTLY what happened! The engine died completely just as I pulled up at Shell.


After trying to call ALL of my family, and none of them picked up the phone (because we were supposed to be having a family dinner), I got through to Mani, who called Susi anne for me. Anne came in less than 15 minutes, and stayed with Haanu and me till the whole issue was solved.


So in total, for the AAM guy to come, and check the engine, and do some minor repairs, just so I could drive the car to the house, that took 3 hours or so. A great way to end Valentine's.


But I did some thinking..and really, this was a blessing in disguise. So many other things could have happened. If Haanu and I took the right road, we wouldve been driving on the highway, at about say 100kmph. Can you imagine what could have happened if the engine blew at that speed? Or I could've been driving to Seremban or something. ALONE!


Swami really took care of this. And I thank God that things didn't turn ugly.


A big big thank you to Haanu and Susi anne for being there.


We did have an interesting experience. I'll never forget playing Antakshari by the air pump, sitting on some pipe next to the car, waiting for that AAM guy to get there. :)

I had some time today to read my sister-in-law's blog, and came across this inspiring and uplifting writing.She found it on someone else's blog, and posted it up on hers.
Thought I'd just post it up here and share this with everyone.


Within you is the power
To be all you want to be
Yours is the right to discover
To see all that you wish to see.
You make the ultimate choices
To achieve what you want to achieve
Yours is the only decision
That guides yours thoughts and beliefs.
There is a world you have to experience
There are emotions you must go through,
But through all you have to remember
The ultimate decision is made by you.
You have the spirit within
You have the power in you
The goddess within is the spirit
The ultimate power is you.
You are knowledge
You are joy, You are love
You are power. You are powerful.
You hold in your hand the ability to recognize yourself,
the ability to realise your fullest potential.
Goddess Woman of the Elements,
know yourself.

~ Rashmi Anand ~

There's just something about those eyes.But I guess that's what everyone says as well, right?
Yea.

Here's what I think.

I am probably increasing the probability of me falling for this one by just simply being around so often. Do I want to take the risk of rejection, or acceptance? Do I think I'm ready to do this right now? I don't know. Risk losing friendship? It's a 50/50 thing.

He makes me happy. He makes me feel like I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. He makes me feel comfortable. He makes me smile.

Sounds so lame and corny, but its actually how I feel. I'm not sure why I'm succumbing to the same explainations all over again, I'm not sure what I want to do about it either. What I do know is that it's a nice feeling. I'm happy.

The only song I can think of now, ironically, is Kadhal Rojave from Roja. WHHHYYY.

I think I'm just confused la. And with this Valentine's coming up..I'm spending it with Haanu. One thing I've realised..no matter what comes and goes, Haanu is here to stay. And I love her to bits. So I know it will be the best Valentine's..

To the man who puts that smile on my face, everytime,
I don't know what it is that makes me feel this way around you. And mind you, its just been happening. It wasn't always like this. I like you.Yup. Do I know if you feel the same way? Nope.
But thank you for being here, in times that I felt like I needed someone to be here, and even the times when you didn't have to be here.
I'm not sure what to do next..but I do know that I cherish the friendship that you have so graciously shared with me. Always.

Its been a good three months since I first started working. These three months have been turbulent, hectic, depressing at times, difficult, and weirdly exciting.

I can't say that I am totally passionate about what I'm now doing for a living, there was a brief period of time where I completely doubted my ability to handle the nature of this job. However...after a long chat with Someone, I decided that I will stick to this, and not let the mind wonder into What-If's.

If I'm here, then there's definitely a reason why. I'm sure Swami won't give me anything I won't be able to handle.

The brat returns Down Under tomorrow, and it'll be back to me being alone again with the folks. Its funny how I eventually get used to being the only one around.

I guess it takes time to get used to a job. I am trying to get used to it, trying to like it, and trying to find some sort of joy in it. It's slowly creeping into my life, I'm slowly getting there. Slowly but surely.

We'll see how it goes for this year.

My ultimate dream job is still far away.Sigh.