there is this one boy, that i can't really put a finger on what sort of feelings i feel.you see, its rather complicated in a delightful way.

he's nice, just like that. no need to go extra miles to impress, no need for fancy dinners or pretty places. a smile, some laughter and a lot of sharing is all it takes i suppose. its funny how people grow on you, because i think this boy has.

still, i'm thinking. what does it take to be absolutely sure?i thought about it for some time. and then, surprisingly, i realised that i dont really need to be absolutely sure at this point of time. the uncertainty that lingers, is rather nice. its a nice feeling, not knowing for a change.

there's no need to rush into making a decision.

let me tell you more about this boy.

he makes me laugh, and at times he makes me feel like i need to strangle him. he listens when i have things to say, he speaks his mind regardless of situations, he gives advice when needed. opinions more like it. he laughs with me, sometimes at me as well. wait..i think the second part is usually the one that dominates the laughing instances.

and you know, with the past month which was one whirlwind of events, it was this boy that stood by me, all the way. despite the fact that he was pretty busy, he took the effort and time to call, talk and meet up. constantly checking to see if i was okay, if things were okay, and if there was anything to be done.

and all of this, i must say, was done just out of the mere fact that we are friends. i guess i hadn't had the chance to experience genuine friendship in a while.

i don't think i can sense any other feelings developing. but even if i do feel anything, i think we'll just let it be. its a nice feeling, not knowing. :)

for a change, lets just let nature take its course..whichever way she fancies.

i thought i'd start of the new year by saying a few words, like everyone else.
this year..no resolutions, no fresh start feeling, nothing new and exciting to look forward to.
surprisingly, the new year doesn't even feel like a new year to me. it feels like another day, continuing after yesterday.

work has started to feel tiring, and i'm getting confused, still trying to figure out if this is really what i want to do with my life. i keep telling myself its too soon to make any decisions, or come to any conclusions, but i'm feeling awful and thoughts are just swimming everywhere in the head.

should i wait for at least a year? or should i just look around and see if there is anything else for me? given the current global economic situation, looking for another job isn't going to be a walk in the park. but why is it i still feel like there is something missing? like a chunk of life isn't there, and that is the spark that i really need right now.

i've finally come to terms with akka's death. it took a long and emotional day for it to sink in completely. on new year's eve, some of the family went back to the landslide area at bukit antarabangsa to light some candles and pray for all who died. i wasn't aware that this was planned till new year's eve itself, and it was too late to change plans - i had agreed to host the new year's eve program for the shelter home kids at the center.

as i sat in office divided about what i had to do (go for the candlelight vigil, and go late to the center/ try to find someone else to host the program/ not go for the candlelight vigil), it finally dawned on me ..that she was really in heaven. i'm really not going to see her anymore, or hear her voice, or hug her, or speak to her.

i finally decided that it wouldn't be nice to ditch my responsibilities at the center, adding to that fact is that i am deputy youth coordinator. after talking to mani, the decision i made was to pray for akka at the center, and light a candle there for her at the same time the candlelight vigil is held at bukit antarabangsa.

as i drove back to bangsar from work, tears just poured from my eyes like cascading waterfalls. it never stopped, not till i reached bangsar and parked the car. the pain i felt suddenly, the grief in my heart had never felt this heavy and overwhelming. it was slowly lifted, as all that pain transformed into peace, and stillness, knowing that akka has merged with God, and is now part of the whole world.

if akka is God now, and God is everywhere..then akka is everywhere too.

she must be watching, and listening, and even reading this as it flows from my thoughts to this screen.

akka,
i hope you will forgive me for taking so long to accept what has happened. God obviously loved you so much more than we did. you were an angel, i think, that was sent down to earth to touch the lives of all of us. in that sense, we are truly blessed. although there is still so much of sadness, and grief that lingers at home..i can feel it slowly leaving. slowly but surely, sunlight is creeping into the home again, and laguhter and smiles seem to be peeping from some corners. with you guiding us, i pray that you help me to help your children become all that they can be..i find it so amusing how avinesh keeps calling me his dear aunty now! there is a bond that has been strengthened, and i pray that i will find the means and ways to keep it as strong as it is, always and forever.

happy new year yoges akka.love you.