no lengthy sentences. no clever words. just one thought - its been too long.

you're a bloody bastard you know that. i mean, seriously. why did you have to take all the trouble to do what you did? it really didn't do any good, not for me. it just left me worse off than before. and thank you for being so kind, and abruptly disappearing. that was so sweet of you.
who was i kidding when i kept telling myself yea, it will get better. you will find the courage and strength to forget. bullshit. absolute bullshit.
i can't believe i wasted that much time, tears, and energy just thinking. how many times have i actually thought of saying exactly what i think of you in your face, and then decided against it simply because i was being too nice. that's exactly it, i'm too freaking nice.

never again. ever.

When she got married, I think I was about 8 or 9. I remember the wedding so clearly, it was at Kalamandapam (us being Ceylonese and all :) ), and my sister and I were the panneer girls as always. I complained alot about doing that during weddings. We had to stand at the door and wait till everybody got in, and only then were we allowed to run upstairs and watch the wedding.

But that day, standing in the heat, sweating and holding the tray up for so long was worth every second of it. When akka got down from the car, she looked so beautiful, like a goddess that just stepped out of heaven in her crimson red saree.

When she had Avinesh, I was twelve. We used to head over to akka and anne's house at every chance we got, to play with Avinesh. Those were the times we were constantly around, going for walks, swimming, the movies we went for at the end of the months..the dinners, the birthday parties, the fun and the laughter. All of it.

Thivesh was born the following year, and Ash(my sister) and I were given official babysitting duties. It wasn't because we were readily available, although that's what I used to tell anne. It was simply because the kids were so comfortable around us.

The way in which akka and anne brought up their children never failed to amaze me. Akka would come up with a fun timetable for them, which included Prayer time, Fun time and TV time, Homework time and the other activities she used to send them for-Piano lessons, Taekwando, Bal Vikas.There was so much love in this family, and so much of love that akka and anne had for each other. They were made for each other, really.

Priyankka was the sweetest thing that happened to the family. Akka always wanted a girl. And what a great job she's done with Priyankka..she's the sweetest, most well mannered baby I know. And I'm not just saying that because she's my niece. This three year old would burp, and then stop to say "Uh Oh, Excuse me".

On Sundays, the kids would sit down with akka to do some fun science experiments she would randomly come up with, or do some artwork with akka. She was very artistically inclined, always painting, making new things out of old ones, creating collages. The last painting she was working on was one of a barathanatyam dancer.

As we grew older, akka was there when we had teenage issues, relationship problems, difficulties in studying..she was always there.

She was the sunshine that lit up any room that she walked into. Her smile always brightened up my day, regardless of how I was feeling. The support she gave me for things I always wanted to do, the party food I helped her to prepare during the kid's birthdays, the movies we would all go to watch together..I'll always remember.

She's with Swami now. I'm sure she is happy, and for her, I will be happy too. I miss her so much, I think of her everyday. The memories of her will forever stay with me, safely locked away in my heart. I'm sure she's listening, I'm sure she's watching.

She's safe with Swami..and through Swami, I know we will still hear her, feel her and cherish her.

I pray her soul will rest in peace.

Good people go to heaven a little faster than others.

Tragedies happen all the time, and I remember clearly how I always read the papers, watch the news and feel so sad for the families of victims involved. But you know how we always feel like things like this would never happen to us, our families, friends, etc.?

It happened to my family.

The recent landslide in Bukit Antarabangsa claimed the lives of four, one of which was my family, Dr. Yogeswari. Yoges akka.

My earliest memories of Yoges akka would date back to the times we used to live in Imbi. I vaguely remember an image of her and Thana anne sitting on the chair in the hall. Ashi and me were so young then. She was delightful to be around.

Then of course, the wedding. We were dressed in matching outfits, standing at the doorway as always, doing 'panneer girls' duty. Ash and me decorated the house with flowers the night before, just for them.

Akka was always a person that was wise, level headed and grounded. She was someone who loved unconditionally, and wasn't afraid to show it. When she had Avinesh, I was 12 I think. I remember visiting her and anne, looking at Avin and saying, "Wow akka look! Avin's fingers are long like yours."

Time flew, and three beautiful children completed their loving family. My nephews and niece are the most adorable, well behaved and beautiful children anyone could dream of having. And akka just completed the picture.

I'm still sitting here and wondering what I would want to write about akka. She was...the embodiment of Love. Sweet, beautiful, kind and loving..that's what she was. I will always remember her as the sunshine that brightened up any room, any space that she was in. She was all that one should be.

It pains me to come to terms with her sudden demise. I pray that I will be able to be strong, for the family, and for the children.

Akka,
You were just like sunshine. I pray that your light shines forever more on everyone here, always and always.

In a bid to write something, if not exceedingly intellectual, but at least at par with the thoughts that are streaming out of my mind (brain?) right now, I thought this would be an interesting topic for discussion.

Rest assured it has been discussed over and over again, tirelessly and passionately..reaching no concrete conclusions.

So..gender issues.

I notice, and keep noticing that girls are always, always scrutinized more than our counterparts. Not just in some occasions, but many. How is it that this always happens? It never fails to amaze me how judging a book by its cover always occurs despite of the saying DON'T.

A personal account.

I'm a person that cannot sit and do nothing. I am constantly involved with activities, regardless of wether enough girls are present or not. I never did find it fair that it was always the guys that get to do cool stuff, and go to happening places, and do everything I always wanted to do..and never get ticked off if something out of the ordinary happened.

I'm also a person who genuinely loves her brothers as her own, and never thinks twice when showering love and affection on people she loves.Why I'm suddenly speaking in the third person, I don't know. But I'm sure you are catching my drift.

Anyway..this is a problem, apparently. I understand that when you are in a position/stage in life where you are constantly being watched, it is important that nothing happens which can affect or shake that trust people have in you. But what if, you slip up just for once?

Does that mean you will continuously be labeled as someone who is just like that?

How do you change if you strongly feel nothing wrong was done? And if you do, how do you change when you know for sure, that's not the kind of person you are? It feels like you're pretending to be someone that you're not.

I speak in rhymes all the time. Why I blog, at times even I don't know. But its a good way to let things flow from thoughts to words in a less chaotic manner. Plus, its saves paper. Save the trees, people! hmm.

I don't know. I should read more, spend less time outside and learn to let go of thoughts that make my brains work overtime. It gives me a freaking headache.

Back again after a long leave of absence..

And so, work has begun. I finally landed the real deal, working everyday, which is something (in my mother's words) I will be doing for the rest of my life till i retire. Sounds rather daunting, but I'll make it through fine I'm sure.

Work has been interesting in a sense that I've met so many interesting characters, people, personalities. Each of which I realise I have something to learn from. Every question I ask Swami has been answered personally with incidences and things that happen rather suddenly.

How do you do the right thing without procrastinating or compromising values, beliefs and teachings? How do you imply that in work, and how does spiritual growth come about during work, especially if the line you work with is sales through and through?

Questions I had asked, and slowly answers had come. Some were difficult to interpret, but others were simple and very straightforward.

The times that had come and gone in the past couple of months have again, taught me so much.Some anecdotes..

After the HVDC, I realised the state team had become so close, almost inseparable. We'd find excuses to meet up, just to have coffee or dinner sometimes. The highlight of it all was Kugan and Zeenee's wedding, that happened last week. Photos are up on facebook.

We organised the decorations and operations on the day of their wedding. A simple, sweet and quiet wedding that was held at the Bangsar Sai Center on Thursday morning. The center looked beautiful, color themed in cream, white and rich dark purple colors. Flowers, lights and flowing amounts of cloth transformed the center's ambience to one that was festive, pretty and vibrant.

Akka and Anne looked perfect for each other, and it could not have gone any better than it did on that day. They're finally married!

The weekend was a blast in PD when almost ten cars convoyed to the location of the wedding dinner. We had so much of fun, dancing, laughing and enjoying each others company till 7am in the morning.

Like Sai G anne said...Swami knows when to give us breaks, and also knows when we need to start working our butts off doing His work. After that much needed fun time in PD, its back to business again as we all will be attending the National Youth Coordinating Committee meeting this weekend, and subsequently a Youth Camp towards the end of the month.

Swami says that the Youths are like Lions. We musn't be afraid of anything, and should always stand for the five values, regardless of situations.

He's provided the perfect training ground for me by putting me with all these amazing individuals. I'm truly blessed in this way.

I guess a lot of nonsense may happen, but Swami will always, always provide me with all the support and Love that is needed.

"I alone test you, and then I alone will help you overcome the test."