The blog looked a bit boring without pictures. So i thought, why not jazz it up a bit with some of my favourite pictures, of the souls that mean the world to me. so ladies and gentlemen, thus begins a guided tour of wonderful people, all here...please do not be offended if some pictures of certain individuals aren't here. the thing is, im new to this blogger thingymajig..takes time to learn the whole blog technology ;)
here goes.


my family, we are a bit dysfunctional. actually, if you talk to my sister about it, she'd probably say that we are way beyond any sort of help. anyway...we have been through a lot as a family. i would say there has been a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and a lot of hardship...but despite all these, i can say with full conviction, that there has been more laughter, happiness and smiles. we are a crazy bunch, and i would not trade anything in the world for my family. regardless of situations, my family is my life, and will always come first..

kamini...where do i begin with her. all my life, she has been my soul sister, my best bud, my advisor, my critic, my bully. kams, my cousin, the one cousin that i can spend all my time with...she reads me inside out like a worn out book. kamini has seen me through the worst of my times, and the best. all the laughter, the pain and the frustration we have shared..from studying for stupid exams, deciding where to head for university, matters of the heart, and simply...our ups and downs in life. i am so blessed to have such a beautiful cousin, inside out.

roshini akka, what would i do without you. she has been my guiding light, so to speak. i know its like an inside joke in the family, but yes, she does inspire me in many ways. she was the instrument that literally pulled me back to Swami when i first came back from perth...and i have come a long, long way. i still screw up sometimes now, but im really trying...your guidance, your advice..and alot of the scolding has helped to shape me become who i am today. she's my akka :)

deeban..my best friend, my confidante, one person who will give it to me in my face if i even show an inkling of giving up on anything i believe in. he keeps me in check.i don't know how to explain how we became best friends..there is a bond that exists between us, that i cannot put into words. somehow, he understands the song that plays in my heart. he hears the thoughts that speak in my mind.and he can see the emotions that reflect in my eyes..deebs, you have been such a good friend. i don't think i would have gotten through the year as i did, if you weren't here. love you loads buddy.

the five science beta girls :) my high school friends, we all think alike. its amazing how despite the distance, when we all get together, it seems like it hasnt been that long at all. yi wen, charmian, shakirah, therese (she's missing from the picture), suet voon...you girls have been great. i love you all so much, and i truly, truly cherish our friendship..i know this friendship we share will continue to grow stronger and stronger with the years to come. thank you for always, always being here for me.

anu, the one i used to bully. marlene, the one that enjoyed bullying anu with me. and choo, the one who protected me from the bullies. my bbgs girls :) i love you girls so much, sometimes i wish we were back in school again, really. the times we shared, the memories we have together, these are things that time will never take away from us. thank you, all for always being here for me..you guys are the stars tht shine in my heart :)

my family of friends from smc..buvanes, deeban, sathiyan, satya,..surin and sankar, who are not in this picture..you guys were my source of joy and love during school..thank you for teaching me so much about life. what would i have done without you guys, i really dont know..i love you all to bits. thank you so much for being part of my life...

after five days, lots of laughter and a well rested holiday, i must say that i have experienced Malacca in the most interesting ways. its been a real joy, and i had loads of fun...made new friends, was well taken care of (and well fed), and had a blast, really.

Valentine's Bhajans and a scrumptious dinner
i arrived in malacca on valentine's day. not that i was in the mood for valentine's. but i must say, the day ended pretty well..i attended bhajans at the malacca sai center, and that lifted my spirits almost immediately. there's nothing like a date with Swami, a dose of bhajans, and a message to inspire you for the rest of the week. bhajans was beautiful, and the song selection really moved me, literally to tears at one point.

my day ended with a quiet dinner with my best friend at a vegetarian restaurant down the road. the food was good, i ordered sweet and sour pork rice, and my friend had the sambal fish rice.i was a happy, contented person, well fed and ready to rest.

later that night, i got to watch a lion dance performance that took place in my friend's neighbour's house. the 14th of february happened to be the cheng beng festival, and the whole row of houses were lit brightly in red lanterns, and firecrackers fizzled away continuously. i got quite excited when the fireworks went off, i hadn't been that close to crackers in some time! the lion was bright yellow, and i watched in fascination as it jumped up and down, gobbling up the oranges and handing them out with genuine mischief.

a perfect valentine's night.for me la of course.


Jonker's by Night, the Club Scene, and the Beach Party
nothing fascinates me more than a street full of exciting, interesting things to look at and buy at cheap prices. jonker's is just that...a long row of colonial style houses, a brightly lit street with lots of stalls, selling everything and anything. there were beautiful antiques, and quirky stuff..as well as some things i never expected to find, like the rainbow slinkey's i used to play with as a child. i also found a rubics cube, and bubbles. the accessories and bags were beautiful, very tempting, and very cheap as well..

one bar that is set in jonker's is called Geographers. its setting is real sweet, i really liked the outdoor breeze, the high stools, and the colonial style windows. the lighting, the people, the music just fit perfectly with the street atmosphere. there are some nice pictures of this place which i shall include later, after i finish wrestling them off someone who is in possession of the camera at the moment.

being the blur and oblivious person that i am, i walked past a man who had an iguana perched on his shoulder without even realising it..of course the rest of the friends did, and they stopped to take lots of photos with iggy. he's not very fussy, according to his owner ;)

so after a long walk down the street, a heavy dinner, we hit the night club for some malacca clubbing experience. its different, it was new, and i enjoyed myself dancing..no drinks though haha.the boys did some massive drinking, and the party continued into the night by the beach at wee hours in the morning..

this was all very new for me, and chilling with the guys was fun, funny, funnier and extremely entertaining. they are a great bunch of guys, with so much of energy, zest and cracks of jokes. i was laughing non stop! i thoroughly enjoyed myself, was extremely exhausted, and fell asleep on the way home. with much difficulty i managed to change and drag myself into bed, sleeping like a baby till the next morning.

A Pizza Party Gone Wrong, A Photo Shoot, and another Dinner to Die For
When i was told lunch today was free pizzas, like everyone else, i was up for it too (i made him check to make sure if there was vegetarian pizza for me, or else i wouldve chucked the pizza's in the bin). we made our way down to the campus grounds, and filed into a lecture theater (at least, thats what i thought it was)..i saw the pizzas stacked up, ready to be devoured, and the smell was killing my insides ever so softly. we took our seats, waited for ten minutes before getting restless and agitated...only to realise that pizza was only a deploy to get us all to sit in for some DIGI promotion talk/seminar/whatever for half an hour.

God help me. i was already starving, literally. and you know, you dont mess with me when im hungry, sleepy and cranky at the same time. FOOOOOOOD. that was all my head seemed to say. i didnt really listen to what this DIGI fella's were saying, but all i got was something about a YELLOW ARMY. its funny though...when the first guy stood up to speak, i don't think he actually mentioned WHAT the Yellow Army actually does. my hands were itching to shoot up into the air and ask him some really sarcastic question, but with so much of effort, i managed to control myself. its not my turf, yo!

of course, the pizza finally (FINALLY) was served, and we ate. not much though.

after which, we left to the portuguese settlement for some freshly squeezed mango juice, and a massive, crazy photo shoot by the lisbon hotel. i think people probably thought we went a bit crazy. however, it is a nice spot to watch the sunset, and chill with a few beers. that i can vouch for.

too bad no one was at kamini's grandmother's house, which is the first house right at the entrance to the settlement. we could have had some tea.

we also managed to stop by town, and look at some of the historical sites by night..i had a guided tour of malacca city, all in the comfort of a car.

supper was one of the highlights of today...back to pak putra's, this place in kota laksamana which has superb northern indian cuisine. its affordable, its delicious, and its really good..only four of us went out for supper that night. between us, we ordered five dishes - a mutton dish, a chicken dish, and three vegetarian dishes (for me of course :D) . we also ordered an aloo parotha, which is divinely delicious. i can't describe the taste of melting bread, ghee, and potatoes all nicely fused in the parotha. i would also recommend the double cheese naan, which was equally as delicious. the food left me so full, i could hardly move myself from the table to the car after that.

A Perfect Ending

and thus ended my holiday in magnificent malacca...after dinner, i was so stuffed i couldnt move an inch. to wait for all of that to settle, i opted to watch a movie with my best friend, who was equally as stuffed as i was. we watched one movie, and then dozed off into slumber, content with the day and its activities.

i left malacca the day after that, as i spent one day at my aunt's place in cheng. as we drove away from malacca, i realised that i finally have a new set of memories to remember malacca by. memories that i will cherish, look back and laugh at, and smile at...the new experiences, the new places, and of course, the new people i have met. the New that brings more colour into my life, and more vigour into my thoughts and writings.

So here's a big thank you to all of you in Malacca who have helped to make my holiday (it was actually a REAL HOLIDAY for me!) such a memorable one. i had loads of fun, it was a different experience no doubt, but one that will be held close to my heart for times to come.

im not mentioning names here, so to protect the privacy of ..many people actually :) but you know who you are..please know, that i am deeply greatful. thank you once again, and i will see you, hopefully, sometime soon.

a trip down to malacca this weekend had been planned for weeks now with a couple of friends. i have to say, this trip was coming at precisely the right time. however, today a sudden turn of events have resulted in me going down there a day earlier.

today's events have shown me that being spontaneous isn't so bad after all. i mean, there's bound to be some trouble down in malacca...its valentine's day, and people have plans. so i decided that we should not impose or disrupt plans that have already been made. its time to spread my wings and fly, without having to trouble others. 23, im sure taking care of myself isn't going to be a problem.

i have a rough idea on what to do tommorrow, but i have no idea what is really in store for me though. playing tourist has always fascinated me, and what more in the historical city of malacca. ive been to malacca many times, but usually, had never left the comfort of my cousin's place in cheng. my memories of malacca have always been...cheng, ujong pasir, and makhota parade.

i think this is the first step towards preparing myself for that much dreamed about europe backpacking trip, which should materialise somewhere in 2010.so i hope...this is my idea of a dream vacation.backpacking through europe, with my cousin. i doubt im going to be doing any form of backpacking here, but exploring the city with a map will certainly be new, fun, and rather exciting for someone like me.

the whole idea is to spend some quality ME time. im grateful for the friends i have in malacca, who have so readily and willingly adjusted some of their time tomorrow just to accomodate my arrival. a big thank you to all of you =)

learning new things, doing new things, and meeting new people. perfect.

im turning 23 this year, and ive acheived shit in life.

yes, this is another entry thats solely based on pointless, emotional blabber. so if you're not up to reading a whole page of soppy crap, i'd suggest not reading this anyway. my blog, my crap. then again, who actually reads the crap i write. even i feel so stupid after writing all this, because it is nothing but..a whole load of bullshit.

today i feel stupid, angry and frustrated. i feel like im making all the wrong decisions, and that every step im taking seems to be pointing me down the road to failure. in what?in everything im doing basically. i feel like everything i have been striving to learn and achieve and implement in life has just turned to nothing but dust. why? i still cant seem to figure this part out.

i mean, is it so hard to understand that im still a stupid girl that is trying to find that grasp, and still somewhat stuck in that stupid phase between girlhood and womanhood? at times i forget my age, it still feels like im a child. and then the whole bloody reality sinks in, and i realise (yes, with the bells and lights and everything) that im freaking 23 this year, and baby, life doesnt get any easier unless i figure something out.

with the personal and social life both looking permanently damaged for now, i am somewhat of a loner that sits in this room of mine which has proven to do nothing more than depress me further. my mother has resorted to calling my whole idea of living in the room the "Close Door Policy". yes, i understand i need to be outside with the parents, but when my entire head is swimming with thoughts, and decisions that have yet to be made, i cant sit there and strike a conversation about Kalki and other drama serials that my parents watch ever so dilligently.

i dont even know what it is that i need. the last thing i want is to get even worse off than the stupid state that i am in now. enough of the bloody tears, and pain and that annoyingly hurtful feeling of a heart that is breaking. or broken. or whatever.

living up to expectations is something ive had to deal with all my freaking life, and i think, its something that i must live with all my freaking life. God help me. its as if i am lost in this ocean of thoughts. and im drowning. metaphorically speaking of course. im also terrified of literally drowning in the ocean. but then again, thats not important for now. just a random thought that has popped up in the head.

life doesnt get any better. its annoying when i dont live up to the parents expectations. its sad when they are not happy. its frustrating when people just dont get me, and shove stupid things in my face, and tell me, hey you, i know what can make you happy.here, have a go at this.

BULLSHIT.

the only idiot who understands me is ME.

and i suppose, thats why things are so freaking complicated? yea.

i told you this would be a pointless, emotional outpour of my anger, frustration, and annoyance. so dont blame me for wasting your time if you did read this.

and after a long time, today...i cried.

i guess its easy to bottle up feelings, hide behind closed doors, and plaster a smile on your face while conversing and socialising. however..it only lasts till we burst.till the bubble goes splat.
for some time, i only felt numbness..tears would come, but disappear as fast as they formed in my eyes. then...all i felt..was numb.

at times i thought my heart had turned cold.

today i realised...it didnt turn cold..my heart, was afraid to love again.

i never thought i would be here, writing this, at this point of my life. don't get me wrong..no suicidal thoughts here. just a lot of pain, hurt, and sadness..

love, unconditionally..this is what i did, time and time again, with all those i love, and loved, and still love. yet sometimes, there are some who tend to take this love for granted. wether they realised it or not, ...it hurt.

many times, people have come and gone from life..but thats just the way life is, isn't it? people are passing clouds..they come, when they are meant to, and leave when they are supposed to..
then who, if i may ask, who stays?

only God does.always.

i realised, with a jolt today...that my heart was afraid to love again. afraid of feeling that pain, that hurt..just that feeling that brings waterfalls of tears with it.
how can i be afraid to love?

i don't understand..

amidst the tears..came some sunshine in the form of children..
here i am, nursing a heart that may have been subjected to a lot of pain. i won't say it was something i couldn't handle..if i couldn't, then God would have never allowed so much pain, right?

and i see children...bundles of joy, love, happiness...there are so many children in the world that are deprived of that very Love that i am so afraid to let into my heart again.why then, should i prevent the Love that already exists within me from flowing outwards?

i have a lot of Love to give back to the world...maybe, just maybe...that thing we call love...its in all forms, shapes and sizes.

for me...its in the form of children.

time to give back to the world.

I don't know what made me write this...but it just came, as i sat in the open cafeteria in campus, looking at the lush greenery around me.
Tamil...a beautiful language, that has always intrigued me.
Here's my very very brave first attempt...at tamil poetry.

Uyir Irukum Varai

En kangal pesum vaartheigal
Un idhaiyatheku puriyuma..
En idhaiyathin paadal varaigal
Un kangal ariyuma..

En manathil aayiram kelvigal..
Un siripinil bathilgal arinthen..

Ithu enna...kadhal aah..
En ullathil irukkum kanavugal
Un paarvaiyil nijamaaga therinthethu..

Azhagana oviyangalil
Un mugam thaan ennaku therinthethu.
Azhagana kirthangalil
Un raagathil thaan ennaku ketkindrethu..

Kadhalikiren..nesikiren..swasikiren..
Uyir irukum varai
Unakaaga thaan nan uyir vaazhgiren...

Someone i know told me, that feelings expressed in Tamil goes beyond words, and borders of language. Sometimes, things are best said in the mother toungue..and how beautiful it sounds indeed.
My Tamil is far from perfect, nor is it anywhere near acceptable...but this is my feeble attempt at expression, in the language of my motherland.

=) quite proud of myself.