~W.H.I.S.P.E.R.S~

The Essence of Nothing

2009-09-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Today I reflected on the meaning, the symbolism and the necessity of Navrathri.

9 Nights, the story I was told as a child was based largely on the Goddess and Her three forms, each representation of Herself in different moods. The story goes that She fought the evil demon Mahishasura for 9 days and 9 nights, and on the 10th day which we refer to as Vijayadasmi, She finally defeats him, chops off his head and he lays dead at Her feet. She stands over him in Her form as the Fearful One, the power that destroyed world’s greatest evil. Thus, giving Her the name Mahishasuramardini.

But God Forms are merely forms. Why were they given forms in the first place?

Everything is just energy manifesting in different forms. This energy, however, is formless, and it cannot be destroyed nor can it be created. It can be changed from one form to another though. And I suppose this is where the whole idea of God forms took place.

This is my understanding of the Universe and the way it works. We are all part of the Universe. If the Universe is energy, then so are we.
Some call it Universe- I call it God.

We are but forms of energy, manifested in what we are today. As we are.

So God Forms – I think, that we think, that we think in pictures. So that's why we put a form to the formless.But the real reason behind forms is to ultimately realize that there is no form at all.
We and He are One – So we and the Universe are One.
The Universe, is everything..and nothing.
The Universe is what we want it to be.
We are, just the essence of nothing.

Navrathri.

9 nights dedicated to the Feminine aspect of this energy, Shakti. Each night is special because the journey it takes is one so individual and unique, it only means something if you understand the true essence of nothing.

The first 3 nights are dedicated to Durga – the aspect of Shakti at its most fearful, most powerful. ‘She’ is depicted as the feared one, the terrifying one who destroys the demons. Demons – those negatives that reside within us. I’d like to think they are forms of energy that are manifested within us which hinders us from achieving the Real Goal, whatever that may be to each of us individually.

When they are removed, so to speak, then comes Lakshmi. The derivative of Shakti that bestows wealth. Wealth is to have – but to have what? Money? Gold? Love? Happiness?
Here’s the thing – we already have all this.

We have them ...they are just unmanifested.
So in these three nights, this form of Shakti is focused on so we may ‘manifest’ what we already have.

Saraswati – the last three nights. Shakti is worshipped in this form as the energy of wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom – another large reservoir of what already exists within us. We tap into this energy on the last three nights, after having discarded what is not needed to achieve our goals, and manifesting wealth which we already have – because now we are ready and prepared to receive the dawning that knowledge and wisdom is already part of us. We have all the answers – its just a matter of allowing it to surface.

Out of respect for this wisdom, we revere the Feminine energy in the form of Saraswati.

And the tenth day, Vijayadasami?

It’s the day the awakening occurs.

That we and Him are One – and so, we and the Universe are One.
The Universe is everything and nothing, depending on how we wish to see it.
Everything that is Real is Unreal.
If dust you think, dust you become.
If God you think, God you become.

So really, in the essence of nothing, lies the beginning of everything.

For Suhu anna.

2009-09-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

There was a point in life where you were nothing more than just a person I saw once a week. The only words exchanged were those of greetings, and maybe a smile and nod of acknowledgement.

Today, I cannot thank the Lord enough for blessing me with your presence in my life.

This one's for you, Suhu anna.

WHAT MAKES HIM WHO HE IS TO ME.

1. He disapproves of my appetite, and makes that a well known fact especially to me.
2. He constantly drops reminders that I am, in fact, gaining weight.
3. He ridicules and teases me to an extent that I cannot explain.
4. He makes fun of my height.
5. He delibrately calls me the WANITA youth coordinator(the right term is assistant youth coordinator), because he knows I hate it.
6. He gets embaressed and all awkward when I openly tell him I love him.
7. He totally gets awkward when I give him a hug, which he tries to brush off.
8. He scolds me when I do stupid things. And its actual shelling that I get, not just a remark.
9. He took time off from work to fix my car.
10. He told the guy who hit my car that he was MY BROTHER :)
11. He listens when I whine about work, and my 'problems' which really aren't problems.
12. He was there to catch me and point me in the right direction when my own nerves and senses failed me.
13. He shared my pain, my sorrows and my worries.
14. He made me smile and brush away my fears.
15. He told me the guy who said no just threw away a chance of a lifetime.
16. He promised he'll be here to 'interview' any other guy who comes my way.
17. He calls to make sure I'm home if we leave late from meetings/dinner/etc.
18. He didn't take me to watch Kanthaswamy :P
19. He changed my life.
20. He's my hero, MY brother.

The love that you shower on me, in your own way, is one that I have been blessed with for eternity. Never a day goes by where I don't thank God for my brothers..and anna, you are everything a sister could ever ask for.
I ask for forgiveness, for all the wrong decisions, wrong words, and silly mistakes that I have made, knowingly or unknowingly.
Every word of advice and encouragement you have given me, I will always remember.
I love you very very much anna.
I know Swami will shower you with all the love and blessings, always and forever.

I will miss you so much.

Come home soon.

With all my love,
your little sister darshi.

Love

2009-08-10T09:08:00.000-07:00

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreamsas the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Vent.

2009-08-06T23:48:00.000-07:00

I'm here to vent out some frustration, annoyance and anger at the way things are going at the moment. I HATE it. With a vengeance.

I don't care what I write here, its just coming as it is, when it should. I never understood why I'm in this in the first place, nor can I understand why others fail to understand.

Whatever it is, I really have had enough.

So there.

Out with the bestie :)

2009-07-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Friday night at Telawi.

We tested the self timer on the camera.

Delicious chocolate volcano.

Completely random :)

Lanna, the Thai restaurant we had dinner at.

It's funny how the week has been quite eventful. I guess one of the highlights has to be Friday night, when I had a relaxing, quiet dinner with Haanu, after SO LONG. It show's how busy everyone has been. Before work begin, we could meet up at any time, and do absolutely nothing. Precious times yo.

We had dinner at Lanna, this Thai restaurant in Telawi. It was nice to just sit and chill..its a beautiful place, with really good service as well. The food was good, the ambience was just right, and they played just the kind of music we were in the mood for - jazz :)

After that heavy dinner ( we had rice with two dishes ), we headed to Telawi Street Bistro for some coffee and cake.

Sitting in TSB, we realised, with surprise, tht we had been doing the same thing exactly a year ago! Dinner + Coffee and Cake in Bangsar.

The only difference = last year, we had actually gotten all dressed up, looking pretty and ready for a Friday night out.

This year....we had randomly decided to meet up after work, in faded jeans and tshirts, with absolutely no make up on, and with our glasses on instead with flats and not heels.

How we have grown! :)

We had a good laugh about that.

But really, I guess it all boils down to how we had changed from last year to now..the things we talk about, the matters that mattered the most, the opinions, the debates and the thoughts. It has matured, blossomed and transformed us literally.

Who cares if its Telawi, really? :) Jeans and tshirts it is.

About my darlings :)

2009-07-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something about the loves of my life.

Vishal, he's my hero. I remember when he was about 1 or so, he used to be so quiet. He'd never let me carry him, always had this frown on his face. And always stuck to Manju akka. I'd try so hard to coax him into letting me carry him, and he'd always just not bother.

Then at 1 plus, he was a little more open to letting others near him. That was when he was a good little boy.

When he turned 2 and above that, Vishal transformed into a little rascal!! All he wanted to do was be naughty, annoy everyone and do exactly the opposite of what you told him to.

It was during the period of time when Yoges akka's funeral prayers were going on that I got so attached to Vishal. He'd try to be naughty, and I would just give him one look and he'd stop. But after that, he would only look for me during prayers.

I still remember, one time where we had already started the prayers, and Vishal walks in a little later. He sees me from the door, and just shouts out "DARSHI AKKA!!!!" and runs right into my arms, plops down on my lap and just sits there throughout the prayers.

Now if I don't see him (or the rest of my darlings ) for more than two weeks, I feel all weird.

Vishal's a darling. When he was sick with the Rotavirus, he looked so sad. :( Manju akka took some photos of him in the hospital. It was so difficult for that baby to sleep, because the doctors had put the drips on the hand that he usually stuffs in his mouth hehe. But he managed alright. I'm so proud of my hero!

We took the photos in the collage during Guru Poornima, which also happened to be my sister's 21st birthday. I have to say the people in these photos are the dearest, and closest manifestations of love that I hold in my heart.

I think this is the cutest video of the little ones, Vishal and Priyankka. Ashwini (my sister) took this on their first day of kindergarten.

After a long week, or even a bad day, seeing the kids make me smile and everything that you go through just fades away. I'll have Priyankka and Vishal fighting to get me to carry them, Shaveena talking away about a book/person/toy, and Avinesh and Thivesh telling me how ridiculous school is, and saying ," Akka, can I have your phone please I want to play some games."

I love them to bits :)

I love them so much. They are the reason I smile, most of the time :)

Because nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

2009-06-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

24th June 2009, Tuesday.

11.34 pm.

I met a boy once. He was kind, sweet and good with his words. He struck me as someone who was independent, mature, and loving to an extent. He was intelligent and witty, sarcastic and funny, thoughtful and kind.

He told me, I was his perfect woman. I found that rather hard to believe - but after a while, I wanted to believe it too.

Just as I finally wholeheartedly believed him...he left. He disappeared. He told me, he doesn't feel the same way anymore. It won't work.

So...my question, for a long time, was....why did you even ask me in the first place? I was angry, and then sad, and then hurt, and then angry again. The normal cycle. But for something that never materialised, something that ended before it even begin? Yea..I was. And then, one day, I had a lightbulb moment. Something just snapped inside me, and I stopped feeling all the negativity.

When I look back at it now, I just smile. Its a sad smile. He was a nice guy. But nice guys don't always stay that way, do they? He has a gift, you know. He captures the most beautiful moments of life in the most amazing ways - he can do that. He does that well.

I learnt to appreciate the world around me through him..through that gift. Of course, he doesn't know. Why would he want to in the first place, right? But he was a good friend. And I suppose, in some sad way, I miss that. I don't miss the feelings and emotions that I felt when he was first around, but I miss that friend in him.

Things will never be the same. It can never be. I tried to see if it could, but its rather obvious that it won't..and maybe, its for the best.

I understand that its all part of the circle of life...there must have been some karmic debt that was left unsettled between us. There must have been something for him to teach me. There's always a reason.

The one reason I believe in, is so that I will become a stronger person. It's His way of polishing this diamond, to shine as bright and as true as always.

I wish you all the love, joy and happiness life has to offer. I pray that you achieve all that you have dreamed of, and beyond that. And I will remember, the days we were good friends and just that, because those were the days I would want to cherish, always and always.

God bless you always. May the gift He has blessed you with take you to many places, beyond borders.

When He protects in all ways.

2009-06-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday, 18th June 2009.

11.55am.

So I lost my 'road virginity' when I was 21, in a brief but rather painful accident near the Sunway toll late one evening during rush hour, as I was leaving college for home. Since then, I never had anymore of those. Till Monday.

11.45 pm, Monday 15th June 2009

I've just dropped Haanu off at Desa Petaling, and I'm driving back on the Seremban highway. The turning to Kesas approaches, and I take a left, following the rather huge curving road. There, in front of me I see a taxi reversing (on the freaking highway?), at an alarming speed.

The car in front of me swerves to the left right in my path and slams his breaks. I slowed down rather quickly, honking and cursing (to a certain extent) at the stupidity of some drivers.

And thats when I hear a loud screeching sound from behind, and before I know it the Honda Civic behind me had rammed right into the back of my car. A split second later, I hear glass shattering, and despite wearing a seatbelt, my body jerks in front and hits the steering wheel. The impact of the Honda caused my little blue Kelisa to skid a good distance to the front, nearly (almost, like 2 inches away) hitting right into the divider, beyond which was nothing but a slope.

Then the car stops. I still have my hands on the wheels, and my feet on the brakes. And I'm shaking, too stunned and shocked. Immediately, I hit the hazard lights, take a deep breath, and get down, not really knowing what to expect.

I literally put on a brave front, because I was still quite shocked from that whole 5 second experience,and walk to take a look at the back of the car.

And the damage was nothing like the impact at all! The bumper had fallen, the booth was dented and damaged, and the paint was scraped. And that was it.

I walked to the front, to take a look at the damage there...nothing. But what scared me more was the minimal distance the car was from the divider and the slope. One more nudge and I would have been in that ditch.

The driver in the car behind me gets down, and walks up to me. He's drunk. Before I could say anything, he just says " I'm so sorry. Please bring your car to this workshop tomorrow. I will pay for everything. I'm very sorry."

You should have seen the surprise on my face again.

I sorted things out with him, and drove home slowly to avoid my bumper from hitting the back wheels. And I couldn't help thinking, the impact of that car on mine was definitely capable of causing a hell of a lot more damage than what I saw. How on earth did it turn out to be so minimal?

Then I started to think about so many other possibilities. What if it had been a 'planned' accident? I hear about things like this all the time. What was I thinking getting out of the car on my own like that? What if the car had actually gone down that slope?

I don't know how to explain things like this,but I know that night an unseen Hand was definitely protecting me from something worse.

I make a quick call to Suhu anne, and he tells me to pick him up tomorrow before heading to the workshop.

10.30 am, Tuesday 16th June 2009

"Hello, this is Darshana's brother here. How do we get to this workshop?"

That was Suhu anne talking to the driver of the Honda. When he said that, I couldn't help but smile, feeling this surge of love in my heart.

Today I was reminded once again how lucky I am to have brothers like these guys. Suhu anne and Sai G anne took time off from work just to follow me to the workshop, and sort things out with the driver yesterday.

They spoke to the workshop guys, to the driver, and made sure all the damage was covered. They made sure I had lunch (with all the teasing and irritation about putting on weight), and they stayed throughout the afternoon.

They say that souls are born collectively together life after life, time after time. Sometimes I wonder where this band of brothers came from, and how I found myself bonded to them for life. They tease me, annoy me, irritate me (and this works both ways), but I still love them, regardless.

To my brothers,

When I playfully say I love you, you brush it away, probably annoyed and sometimes embaressed by the open display of affection.
However, please know that I mean it with all my heart, and always will regardless of time.
You've made me laugh, you've made me smile, you've even turn the tears into happiness.
You've shared some thoughts and wise words, also some that were stern and harsh for my own good.
But it's all these that have helped me become all that I am today.
Without your love, and your guidance I would be lost, I'm sure of that.

You are my greatest manifestation of Love from Swami. And I love you all, with all that I have.

From the concourse of Great Eastern Mall.

2009-06-05T03:20:00.000-07:00

Friday, 5th June 2009.
6.22 pm.

Its Environment Week, and I'm at a week long Go Green campaign at Great Eastern Mall, Jalan Ampang.

Its surprising how multi tasking has never been something I could do well, and it surprises me even more when I am forced to multi task in times when I have to be at two places at once.

So here I am, sitting at GE Mall at our organisation's booth, talking to shoppers who stop by to enquire about the environment, and at the same time finishing up some urgent work at the office which requires my immediate attention.

Funny how you work better under intense pressure.

Over the past few days, I've met so many different characters, its quite amusing to a certain extent, and also lets you think about human relations and interactions more.

Since I now know so many insurance agents from Great Eastern, thanks to the freelance emceeing I do for their dinners and seminars, I managed to talk a substantial number of them to drop by our booth. Even before I start talking about what we do, they swipe out RM1o and pass it to me, saying its their contribution for the Adopt A Tree campaign. Without asking questions. Needless to say, many of them dropped by and did that just to show support for me, and not really asking much questions about the cause.

I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

And then, the urban stay-at-home moms, all dolled up for a day out at the mall with their young children. They walk around, but stop and listen attentively at every booth, and even inquire with concern about the condition of water in their homes. One mom actually came back the next day with a water sample from her home so she could do a water test for impurities and discharge from toxic wastes!

Of course, you have the sceptics. The most common statement and remarks I've heard from these guys are " So why are the NGOs doing all the work? What about the Government?"

I refrain to comment. However, as surprising as it may sound, the government does actually do quite a substantial amount of conservation and preservaton of our environment. But that discussion is for another day.

Then there are the GE Insurance Agents who stop by just to see if they can recruit new agents. Funny how the conversation starts off with the state of the environment today, why we end up working with NGOs, and how we should be working for ourselves because then we can earn tons of money. Hmmm.

I have a pretty wide circle of friends in the industry now, and I'm happy to say that once they know I'm not interested, they don't ask again.

Of course, there are the genuinely concerned ones who really want to know what is happening to the world, why climate change is so alarming, and how they can help to restore rivers, wetlands and peatlands. One kind soul even brought back more of her friends just so they could adopt trees in the forest.

Occasionally I get one or two who stop by to ask all about what we do, but after explaining, the conversation is all about how their day was, and how frustrated they are with kids nowadays who care less about elders, environment and manners. I end up listening to them, empathising and thinking....she probably just needed someone to listen for a while.

With that said, it has been one long learning experience. Besides being able to spend time to get to know our interns Mi Ling and Ellie better, I also got to meet new friends from WWF, and the charming host/emcee for the campaign, Amir.

I shall now count the balance I have in my wallet, and pray 730pm arrives sooner than expected.

Over and out.

Family bloopers

2009-05-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday, 24th May 2009.
9.02 pm.

Blooper 1

* I'm sitting on the couch at home with the laptop on. Papa walks across, sits on the other couch, and accidentally drops the remote on the floor. We hear a loud crrraaassshh.

Papa : Aaaaaah!! (sounds like as if he dropped gold or something).
Amma : Aiyooo!! (sounds like someone fell of the balcony).
Darshi : aiyo, its just the remote la.
Papa (looking at Amma) : Why you scream so loud?
Amma (looks at Papa with annoyance) : Because the sky is so high!

*Silence. And then I burst out laughing.

Blooper 2

* I'm at Thana anne's house having dinner. My 3 year old niece, Priyankka runs up to me, dragging her stuffed dog. She's tied a ribbon around its neck.

Priyankka : Akka , look. Its my new dog. His name is Drownie. He's nice, he won't bite.
Me : Really? He's so sweet. Can I pat him?
Priyankka : Ya you can. See, he is a good dog. He won't even bark.
Me : That's nice. What is his name darling? Drownie? or Brownie?
Priyankka : (gives me that aiyo-you're-so-slow look) Its DROWNIE! Drownie.
Me : Is that spelt with a D or a B?
Priyankka : Aiyo Darshi akka, its B!
Me : How do you spell his name?
Priyankka : (another aiyo-you're-so-slow look, smacks her forehead and then says... )
D-O-S-T-U!
And then she walks off in a huff.

*Silence follows. And then I burst out laughing.

:)

a bit of outburst.

2009-05-19T23:59:00.001-07:00

Never in my life have I been this tired and exhausted, trying to juggle personal life and work all at the same time. So what is dharma, if you need to do both duties at home and at work all at once?

How do I be that dutiful daughter, fulfill work demands, and do sai work all at the same time without getting worn out and burned out?

I think I know the answer. Realising that it is the answer isn't so easy, ironically.

Dear Lord,
Please grant me the courage to carry on and the strength to do all that I have to do without faltering or failing in any one task, at any time.

Going Green with Swami

2009-05-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

Monday,11th May 2009.
5.33pm.

I offer myself at the Lotus Feet of my Loving Father, my Loving Baba.

Dearest Swami,
I realized a long time ago that Life is a Teacher.
And I also realized a long time ago, that Teacher is You…You are my Life, Swami.

The Walk For Values Malaysia 2009 – we dared to dream for the stars, only because we knew that You will see us through it.

10th May 2009.
SS3 Basketball Court.

All around me were people in different shades of green. A little girl laughed and ran towards her father. She was dressed like a sunflower, and her face, as radiant as the petals that she carried.

Messages of Love, Peace, Truth, and environmental issues were splashed across placards, sandwich boards, and on the people themselves. I could only see smiles, laughter, and vibrant costumes.

As I sat there, on the floor of the court, soaking all the energy from the Walk For Values 2009 in, I looked up at the majestic trees against the blue sky… for a split second, I could’ve swore I saw You, Swami.

And tears welled up in my eyes. Luckily, I was wearing my shades. My thoughts flew back to the very first Walk For Values meeting we had in SS3, in the beginning of the year. We had a vision – to embark on a journey so powerful that Your message of values remains engrained in one and all, for eternity.

The endless meetings, dead ends, solutions, exhaustion, joy, and love all came rushing back at the same time. It was overwhelming to see so many people, from all walks of life, coming together to Go Green, and spread the message of Your Love through this simple but powerful walk.

The weeks leading up to the walk were the most testing, trying and daunting ones. The last minute changes, the unfinished paper bags, the decoration tasks, and the preparations pushed us to a level we had never gone before.

Yet, despite the tension, the work, and the uncertainty, we smiled and laughed at it all, firmly believing that You will make it happen! When the intention is noble, and the cause is pure, what is there to worry about? We surrendered completely to You, Swami. We pushed ourselves to give You only the best, with firm faith that You will be happy.

If I wish, you can be before Me instantly
If I wish, your life can be changed dramatically
If I wish, you can attain God in no time
But for Me to do that
You first have to melt My heart
Melt it with your devotion
Melt it with your love
Melt it with your selflessness
Melt it with your perseverance
Melt it with your unshakable faith
Once you pull the string to My heart
I run and lodge Myself in yours.

That is our ultimate goal, Swami.It was the only reason that kept us going, even at 3.00am in the morning, with almost no sleep, and massive exhaustion. And we were still standing that morning, at the court. And all I could see was Your Love, spreading from that little basketball court in SS3, to the entire neighbourhood. The shouts of Go Green! , messages of values on Your Messengers of Love… it was pure Love, manifested in the form of this Walk.

Thank you Swami, for giving me such a loving family of brothers and sisters, the Sai Youth of Central Region. The bond that we share is unbreakable, and sealed firmly with Your blessings and Love. There were many times where we felt like almost giving up, but we never did because we knew Your unseen Hand will nudge us the right way.

And in the end, what was the connection between the Nature and Your teachings?

The scriptures (Upanishads and Bhagavad Gita) declare, "All Nature is God" and "The Lord is in all beings". When learning about the sublime secrets of the trees, appreciate the Creator and strive to understand the principles behind creation. Life is a tree. The mutual relationship we cultivate and cherish are symbolized by the branches, twigs and leaves; the thoughts arising in the mind are the flowers; Ananda (Joy) is in the fruit, Dharma is the sweet juice it contains. The tree is held firm by the very roots which fed it...roots that symbolize faith and self-confidence. Nurture the roots well.
-Divine Discourse, February 18, 1980.

We offer this walk at Your Divine Lotus Feet, our beloved Father. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for blessing us with Your Love.

I Love You, Swami. Thank you for lifting us higher than the sky!

A little quickie.

2009-04-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

Thursday, 30th April 2009.

12.52pm.

At work, tired, sleepy and hungry. but too lazy to get up and walk out for food. Did you know that Labour Day was initially celebrated for St Joseph the Worker, as a feast? Interesting. I'll find out more and write later.

Another quickie..the WALK FOR VALUES 2009 is coming up next week! Click on the link below to watch the trailer for the WALK.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRywCxms9KE&feature=related

I'll update with more information when I'm home , and not so sleepy.

A Brother's Advice.

2009-04-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Monday, 27th April 2009.
11.54pm.

"What is this la, Darshi, hardly see you around nowadays. What are you up to?"

"She's always busy now la, Balan. Ask her la."

That was the conversation between Balan anne, and Amma.

We are at anne's house, it's my niece Shaveena's 6th birthday today. Between Vishal's constant flow of half-made sentences (all of which end with Darshi akka), Priyankka's endless efforts to drag me to her defense against her big brothers Avinesh and Thivesh (who are still bullying her), and Shaveena trying to explain to me how her cake looks like, I just smiled, and looked at Thana anne, only to be greeted by a frown.

" Come here, Darshi."

Uh oh.

I reluctantly get up from the floor and settle down next to Thana anne on the couch. He is my eldest brother, one who has watched me grow from a baby to the young woman I am today. He puts one arm around me, and holds me closer to him.

" Let me tell you a story about my life. I know what it's like to be young, and to be able to do all that you are doing now. There's work, there's your Sai activities and all, there are your friends...but remember, always come home for amma and papa.

I had it all..but I didn't have the time to send my sons to school. I didn't have the time to wake them up in the morning. I didn't have the time to bathe my little princess Priyankka, or feed her breakfast...I didn't have enough time with Yoges..

Time will fly, Darshi. Amma and Papa are old..there are many things I regret now. And the one thing I regret the most, was not making enough time for my family. You won't know what is coming in the future..

Make sure you are around with them. Do whatever you have to do, but don't ever tell your family you don't have the time. It won't come back to you again."

Anne was still holding me. I had my head resting on his shoulder. I listened, trying so hard not to cry thinking of Yoges akka, and then I tilted my head up to look at him.

He had tears in his eyes.

The difference between simple, and complicated.

2009-04-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Sunday, 26th April 2009.
12.02 am.

Complicated is too hard to handle. It just means there's too much going on for you. Life is colourful, eventful, and exciting. Many things require your involvement, and heck, you love every bit of it.

But it's too hard for some to handle.

Simple, is straightforward. Its ..boring. Its safe. Its routine. It just is. And that makes it easier to handle.

If it was too complicated, a word (and I mean, frankly, simply put into a WORD) would've simplified a lot of things.

There's no need to continue to complicate things.

Sometimes I feel that my life is ridiculously labelled as difficult and complicated. Screw whoever thinks that way. Lets face it, I am nowhere near simple.

It comes in a package. All of it. The missing piece, however, is yet to arrive.
When it does, then maybe, that emptiness may disappear. Maybe.

And I don't really care less if I am analysed, or generalised. I really don't. So really, don't bother trying.

In the depths of silence, I hear the voice of my heart.

2009-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 25th April 2009.
1.06 am.

Venmegham pennagha uruvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho,
Unnale pala nyabagam, en munnae vanthaaduthae,
oru nenjam thindaduthae..
Vaarthai oru varthai sonnal enna,
Paarvai oru paarvai parthal enna,
Unnale pala nyabagam, en munnae vanthaaduthae,
Oru nenjam thindaduthae..
Venmegham pennagha urvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho..

Manjal veyil nee, minnal oli nee,
Unnai kandavarai kann kalangha nirkka vaikkum thee,
Pennae yennadi? Unmai solladi…
Oru punnaghaiyil penniname kopa paddathennadi?
Devathai vaalvathu veedu illai koyil,
Kadavulin kaal thadam paarkiraen,
Ondraai irendaai un azhagai paada,
Kan moodi oru oram naan saaikiraen,
Kanneeril aanandham naan kaankiraen,
Unnalae pala nyabagham, En munnae vanthaaduthae,
Oru nenjam thindaduthae..

Enghal manathai kollai adiththaai,
Indha thanthiramum manthiramum yengu sendru padiththaai?
Vizhivasavil valai virithaai, unnai pallakinil thukki sella kaddalaikal vithiththaai,
Un viral pidiththidum varam ondu kidaikka..
Uyirudan vaalkiraen naan adi…en kaadhalum en aagumo..?
…Un paathaththil mann aagumo…

Venmegham pennagha uruvaanatho,
En neram ennai paarththu villaiyaadutho..

For my Anna's, with Love.

2009-04-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Thursday, 23rd April 2009.
12.18 am.

As much as they bully me and tease me, till I feel like I would like to strangle them, or smack them silly..I love them to bits. Without them, life would be ..well, it wouldn't be what it was now - fun, vibrant and full of love.

To my anna's, thank you for teaching me everything that you have. Thank you for being here, for being patient and kind, for being annoying and silly, for being loving and sweet, and for being yourselves.

Thank you for being my big brothers.

I love you all so much! And I mean that, from the bottom of my heart.

Not a brother by birth, but a brother by Right.
My heroes, my brothers,
The bond I have, I will cherish forever
For the Love I have been gifted with,
I am forever greatful for..
I don't need anything else,
For I have all of you
To proudly call my Anna's.
With love, and nothing else,
Because there's just no other word
That sums up what you mean.

Love, always and forever,
The brat :)

My morning story.

2009-04-22T01:40:00.000-07:00

For some reason, the dates are not displayed in this new layout.
Wednesday, 22nd April 2009.
7.25am

I would've loved a hot cup of coffee this early in the morning. However, given the frequency of massive headaches I seem to be constantly having, I decided to play safe and have a milo instead.

So I'm sipping out of this milo packet, looking at signboards for directions to my destination today - FRIM, as I'm driving along the LDP. It was relatively easy to find, much to my surprise. I could've slept in a little longer. Sigh.

But nothing beat my morning entrance to FRIM (Forest Research Institute of Malaysia).

I turned right after the traffic light, to be greeted by lush greenery that fringed the tar road heading into the heart of the forest. At that exact moment, an all time favourite started to sing out of the radio - En Iniya Pon Nilave..

What a feeling, yaar!

I was immediately transported into a different world, so unlike the concrete jungle I just drove out of.

"Ninaiviley oru sugam, ta da da ta da.."

I saw a beautiful waterfall, and an old English mansion. Motorcyclists smiled and waved as I drove past, and I in turn, smiled back, happily breathing in the fresh morning air. There were vibrant colours of red, crimson, orange and yellow on one particular tree. Very pretty!

Everywhere, I saw only splashes of green - not the dust coated pale green I see on the trees in the city, but rich, healthy , bright green givers of Life.

The joy of inhaling such clean air. Haaaaaiiiz.

And did I mention how cooling the area is? Its breathtakingly beautiful. Match a scene like this to a song like that from the 70s..and I'm in love with the world ten times over.

Anyway.. I arrived at the Auditorium an hour early for the seminar. ( Forgot to mention what seminar! The presentation on the results from the hydrology and land use study for the Conservation of Biological Diversity Project. Its focus is on Forest Management).

Obviously, I arrived at a totally empty auditorium.

And so, I figured it was an excellent time to pen down my short adrenaline rush, before it slips away into the deep ends of my mind.

=)

By Rabindranath Tagore

2009-04-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO PUT FLOWERS UPON THE FEET OF GOD,

FIRST FILL YOUR OWN HOUSE

WITH THE FRAGRANCE OF LOVE....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO LIGHT CANDLES BEFORE THE ALTAR OF GOD,

FIRST REMOVE THE DARKNESS OF SIN

FROM YOUR OWN HEART.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO BOW DOWN YOUR HEAD IN PRAYER,

FIRST LEARN TO BOW IN HUMILITY

BEFORE YOUR FELLOW MEN.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO PRAY ON BENDED KNEES,

FIRST BEND DOWN TO LIFT SOMEONE

WHO IS DOWNTRODDEN.....

GO NOT TO THE TEMPLE

TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR YOUR SINS,

FIRST FORGIVE FROM YOUR HEART

THOSE WHO HAVE SINNED AGAINST YOU.

rabindranath tagore

One thought.

2009-04-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

When you're mentally tired, its difficult to write. I would love to tell you about the tree planting at Raja Musa Forest Reserve, the new lesson I learnt during Veenai class, my new job, and the things I've learnt for the week.

But the only thought that is in my 'thoughts', right now..sigh.

Love doesn't come easily. When it does, it takes longer to leave. But that's not what love is, is it? What leaves, was never meant to be.

I gave it away, not knowing what lies ahead.
It's still there, and not with me.
My heart, that is.
It's there.

Intellectually Empty.

2009-04-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

After constantly blogging about matters of the heart, I am now in a position to write something serious. And sadly, found that the creative juices still refuse to flow...maybe I need some coffee.

People of the blogging world, I am pleased to announce that I have begin working at Global Environment, a global environmental ngo which deals with environmental causes in and around Asia Pacific. :)

When the brain starts to work again, I shall come back and share my experiences in re-starting it.

Missing Amma.

2009-04-05T00:41:00.000-07:00

"Darshi akka, I miss Amma."

She fiddled with my Om pendant, and looked away into the sky when she said that.

We were out for dinner with the family at the Gardens, and I was standing with Priyankka as we looked out through the glass windows in the restaurant.

My heart instantly filled with a wave of sadness, and I gathered her up in my arms into a big hug. She hugged me back, and laid her head on my shoulder, and almost immediately put her little finger int her mouth. I notice she does that whenever she doesn't know what to say.

I gave my niece a kiss, and sat her down on my lap.

" I miss Amma too, baby. But you know what? I'm sure Amma is here with you. She is always here, right here in your heart. She's always with you, and she will always be.

Amma would want you to be happy, right darling? So lets smile for Amma."

She gave me a smile, and then asked me..

"Akka, why you always wear the same chain? Why are your earrings blue? I want a cupcake."

And then, I saw that free spirited, ever smiling little bundle of joy once again.

I miss you too, Akka. So much. We all do...but rest assured, I will do all that I can to make sure they will always, always be happy.

Something from Mani, now something from me :)

2009-03-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Love truly, Laugh constantly, And never stop smiling no matter how strange life is, Life is not always the party we expected to be, but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.
- As posted on Mani's Facebook status.

LIFE IS SHORT
How I realised this, the hard way is something I will always remember, till the day I die. So quickly Death came knocking at the door, so swiftly He took Yoges akka away, in His arms, and so suddenly it all came to an end.

It was painful, it was heartbreaking, it was a terrible, testing, trying time.

But yet, we learnt so much...and we learnt to let go of the pain, and pray for akka to rest in peace. For God loved her so much more, and so He chose to have her Home, earlier than the rest of us.

She's an angel now, watching over us from the Heavens above.

BREAK THE RULES
How relevant this is to my life! Breaking the rules, something that was never an easy thing to do, given the fact that I was brought up in a family that believed and upheld values, religious practices and all the rest of the same package. So you can imagine what it was like when I decided to go out with a boy who was totally opposite all this when I was 16. Your typical ruffian, the boy who finished SPM, started working, drank like a fish, smoked all day, didn't bother if there was a God or not, and was only interested in everything else but his family.

Needless to say,this created the biggest rift between my family and I. Constant arguments, fights, moody nights, nights without words, nights with tears, nights with no arguments but that prevailing silence, of course.

I think every girl secretly wanted to go out with the Bad Boy, and when that boy came right round to me with words of flattery and lots of sweet smses, I fell right in to his arms. Till this day, I'm still wondering how I could have been so freaking stupid!

Then again, I was, just 16.

FORGIVE QUICKLY
There is one person that always, always pisses me off. She always makes the same mistakes, over and over again. She always finds herself in situations that she knows could have been handled better, or avoided altogether. Sometimes, she even cries too much that it makes life miserable, really.

The things she does at times...God, you just feel like taking an axe and striking that overactive brain of hers out of the head!

But you know, despite all of this..forgiving this person is the best thing I have ever done for myself. Regardless of the pain, the anger, the frustration, the bitterness, the annoyance and every other feeling she causes...She is my bestest friend.

This person, that I have learnt to forgive quickly, is none other than myself :)

LOVE TRULY
That's one thing that I have learnt to do right.Love, is not overrated. It is the most magical feeling on earth. To love another, to feel that much of pure, sweet, untouched love, in its purest form ever...is a feeling that is beyond description.

It reminds me of sunny skies, blueberries, the ocean and green trees.
It reminds me of smiles, sparkling eyes, hugs and kisses.
It reminds me of meadows,and forests, and the rain, and the waterfalls.
It reminds me of the world, and how blessed we are to be here..
It reminds me of him, and Him.
It reminds me of everyone in my life.

Life is Love..to love truly, is to truly love life.

LAUGH CONSTANTLY
I think this is the most important part of life, after love of course. And for this, I need to give credits to the people who tickle my funny bone best - The brothers from the Centre, Susi anne, the talented comedians in movies (really, what would we do without them?), and best of all..my parents, who are constantly making me end up in fits of laughter, simply because of their crazy antics nowadays.

Laughter has proven to be the best medicine, for alot of uncomfortable and painful circumstances and incidences. Thank God for creating laughter. Really.

Some anecdotes worth laughing at :

*The time Suhu anne and the rest decided to look for a Surya mapillai for me in Anandabhavan restaurant.

*The time my mother answered the mobile phone, holding it upside down and not realising that it was upside down till 10 seconds later.

*The time my father decided his goal for the New Year was to win the lottery.

*The time Ashwini pronounced Hitler as HIL-TER, and then added to it by asking me, "Who the hell is HIL-TER?"

*The time Vishal found out that Ashwini was scared of a stuffed frog, and kept running up to
her with it saying,"BOO!"

And many many more candid moments, which makes me laugh, constantly.

And for these reasons, Ladies and Gentlemen, I can declare with no reservations, that I love every bit of my life, and everyone in it. And I wouldn't change it all, not for anything, not anytime.

The End.

One slice of Bread.

2009-03-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 11am. Central Market.

It was one of those quiet, sunny Saturdays. My sole purpose of visiting Central Market was to get t-shirts printed for Earth Hour later that evening. Needless to say, it was freaking expensive. But hey, the final product was pretty awesome.

So as usual, Susilan anne was my date for the morning. You know, I really think the girl who he marries will be the luckiest girl on earth! And I'm not just saying this because he's my brother. I'm dead serious about this. Okay, so back to the story.

We headed for breakfast to Old Town Kopitiam within Central Market. On the menu for the morning : White Coffee, Hazelnut White Coffee, Double Butter and Kaya Toast, Blueberry French Toast.

The setting was just perfect, the ambience and the view (ahem) both fit right into place and we had a good time, eating, talking and discussing certain brother-sister issues which I shall not bother elaborating here.

As we were chatting, we suddenly noticed this woman, who was dressed in casual shorts and a t-shirt, sandals, walking up and down the aisle from where we were seated. She did come a bit too close for comfort at times, and continuously spoke to herself (in Haanu's words, random monologues at unforseen times). I think I heard her say blueberry twice.

Although we noticed her, we tried not to bother too much, until we realised that she may be hungry. Our conversation turned to the homeless, the children that sold things after working hours in Bangsar, the beggar lady that used to be at Jaya Jusco when I was younger, and the street people I see in Masjid Jamek, Pasar Seni and Kota Raya.

The both of us decided to offer her some bread. If she is really hungry, what harm is there in sharing something that we know we can afford to part with? So this was the conversation .

Me: Excuse me, would you like to have some bread ?
Lady: No thank you.
Anne : a silent smile was all that anne gave.*

Then I realised, she was too afraid/proud?/ashamed to take the bread which I had offered. Maybe she had been able to afford these once, or maybe she just had some pride which might be broken should she chose to accept what I had just offered. Or, maybe she was just disturbed psychologically, and needed help.

Whatever the case, I knew she was hungry. I purposely left a slice of bread on the table, and loudly said that I couldn't eat anymore. When we got up to pay the bill, I saw from the corner of my eye that she swiftly walked up to the table, and grabbed that slice of bread I left behind.

I just smiled, and told anne what had happened.

Sometimes we forget, that they are people too. Some may have been in that situation too long to even think about pride/status and other things, but there may be some who have just been forced to live the way they do. Just like all of us, everything takes time to get used to. Maybe she wasn't sure of how to ask for bread, or even, simply try to take the bread. What if she hadn't eaten in days?What if, she had to steal from other places for food, just because begging wasn't an option she wanted to chose?

I suppose in that split moment, I understood what she wanted without really having to ask. I would've gladly bought her a full meal, if I could do it without bruising her ego. Nevertheless, I hope that one slice of bread has helped her to live, if not another day, then at least a couple of hours more.

God bless the souls of those who are in need of help, shelter, food, and love. Always.

The Science Experiment.

2009-03-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lessons that should be learnt, are not being learnt. Therefore, episodes repeat, mistakes are made. Is it possible to get immune to feelings after repetition occurs many times?Science requires repetitions to be made in any given experiment/trial so as to produce reliable end results. Life is like a science experiment. It can be safely said that in reality, to reproduce the exact same situation under the same conditions is close to impossible, unless precise calculations and other factors are taken into consideration. However, reproducing itself shows unreality. Accuracy and precision are two different things.

Concluding the issue - not concluded. In fact, its rather impossible to find one true solid conclusion. So ..an experiment without a conclusion? Possible failure? Something to think about.