Its been a pattern for the past couple of weeks that I spend Friday nights at home, usually up late watching television till 4 or 5 in the morning. Still not sure where this pattern actually came from, but it has been there, nevertheless. I usually end up thinking way too much - and this puts me back in that place I like to call the craphole.
So yesterday, I actually went off to bed rather early. However I woke up two hours later, in sweat and in fear, after a disturbing dream that left me completely spooked. Took another couple of hours before I actually fell asleep again.
This morning, I kind of had to vett through 8 articles written by different people from different countries for the upcoming Zonal Youth Retreat (which I still don't know if I am going for just yet). When I started editing, all I could think of was the immense changes that I had to do to them.
With every article I read, somehow or rather, something stood out to me as Baba's answers to my constant questions, fears, blame, anger...true enough, not specific answers. But enough for me to know, He is here. He is listening.
"...and when I must lead you into a different path than the one you expect, I carry you in My arms..."
Some people are blessed with that ability and Grace to have that closeness and physical presence of Swami all the time. Some can speak to Him, and see Him whenever they want...I know, I can't have either of this. Although I wish I could - it's just not happening. Sometimes if I'm lucky, He comes by for a visit in a dream. Most of the time though, He speaks to me through written words. Maybe that's just the way it is for me.
I do not expect anyone to understand questions I have regarding my faith in Him. Nor do I expect my understanding to suit others. At the end, all that matters is what He means to you, personally. To me, He is my Swami, my Life, my reason for being, living and existing. I will be completely lost without Swami, the only constant in my life.
I wonder, everyday, what He is teaching me in the experiences I am facing now. Am I resisting something, or am I just not seeing the bigger picture? So easy, so simple the message of Surrender is...its the hardest thing in the world to do!
My favourite video to watch, when I want to see Him suddenly out of the blue.
Maybe that's my destination - complete Surrender. The struggles I have to face now to get there, is probably the lessons I need to learn from and keep learning, till I get it right.
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